


Off center, off balance

by 1988Andy



Series: The Trans!Connor Chronicles [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Connor is a little shit, Depression, Fluff to Smut, Hospitals, Ice Skating, M/M, Self Harm, Shame kink, Suicide mention, Trans!Connor, attempted suicide, broken foot, heidi being the best she can, supportive n loving evan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-08 18:16:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10393074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1988Andy/pseuds/1988Andy
Summary: Connor Murphy hated ice skating. But when he ends up trying to prove Evan wrong, he might come to love what the ice can bring.





	

**Author's Note:**

> WOW ok I'm so gay!!! This is the second Trans!Connor fic I've published (the second fic I've ever published on this account) but yknow! If you have any type of prompts hit me up on 1988danny for Tumblr, 1988.Andy on instagram and Hamiton on DeviantArt! Enjoy my friends!

"I swear to god, I'm never letting you choose our date again." Connor spat, shivering. Evan knew Connor hated the cold, yet every chance the taller man got he'd take his lover to the ice skating rink. To make matters worse, Connor was already freezing from the car ride there. Evan's car was an old clunker, and in the middle of the midwestern winter it didn't bode well. At least not with a working heater. So Connor was stuck with his boyfriend at the only rink in town, twenty minutes from the nearest sign of civilization. It sometimes boggled Connor's mind the way their town was designed, some things like stores and apartments crammed into downtown like sardines and the actual fun stuff spread out in sparse amounts. Though, he'd hardly call skating fun. It was cold, uncomfortable, unsafe. Connor's hand eye coordination was bad enough on the actual ground, and on Ice it was like watching a baby deer stand up for the first time. Sure, you admire the poor things determination, but at the end of the day it's just that pathetic kind of cute. Not to mention the rink always seemed to be riddled with small children, witch wouldn't be all that bad if it wasn't kept so god damn cold. All Connor ever saw of the kids on that rink was snot and coughing. It made him shiver thinking about it.

"What, you don't like it?" Evan asked happily, paying for them to rent skates. Connor huffed, telling the man at the counter his shoe size before playfully punching his boyfriend in the arm. "No, I fuckin' love it Evan, that's why I kept my scarf and three jackets on." He said playfully. Evan laughed, snorting a bit as he lead the other to the benches to change shoes. "Think of it this way babe, if you fall you've got padding this time." He winked at the other. Connor scoffed. "You say "if" as though it's not a sure thing." He spoke harshly. It was almost as if he was genuinely mad. This made Evan shift uncomfortably. He paused in silence as the other boy laced up his skates. He awkwardly placed a finger in the center of Connor's head, making the other look up. "I.. uh, I'm sorry Connor." Evan mumbled. The brunette looked up, a confused look on his face. "For what?" He asked softly. Evan felt like he could bite off his lip. This was definitely not the first time he'd ever heard that question. "I.. don't really know?" Evan said softly. "I mean, well, I do to some point, like you tell me all the time how much you hate it here but I still bring you and I get how that could be annoying."

Connor shook his head. "I never said I hated it here. I just said I'd prefer to not be so fucking cold." Connor pressed a soft kiss onto his partner's cheek. "Relax, Evan. Don't get all nervous on me.". With that, Evan seemed to relax, putting on his own skates. For a few moments the two struggled to keep balance on the carpet outside the rink, most likely a testimony of how it would be on the actual ice, witch it was. Connor was on his arse within a few minutes. Evan laughed at his companion, covering his mouth. Connor grunted in destine. "Don't patronize me, Hansen." He spat, struggling to his feet. Evan slowly helped him up, the taller man having the luxury of holding onto the the wall. Connor wondered why he let the other skate nearest to the wall. He grabbed his partner's arm, pulling him down. Now, he'd meant to simply pull the other onto the ice next to him, but Evan fell flat onto Connor. The smaller boy let out a wheeze, gasping as the wind was knocked out of him. "Evan, get off!" Connor grunted. Evan hugged, struggling to gain traction on the ice. "Hey, it's not my fault! Maybe you shouldn't pull me down next time!" Evan said, breathless as he struggled off his partner. As if this whole situation was just adding insult to injury, one of the before mentioned children stood over them. He held out the walker made out of PVC piping, something provided by the rink for the younger skaters. He spoke quietly. "You look like you need this more than me, sir." The kid remarked, laughing before stumble skating off. Connor gave a grunt. "Little shit.." he mumbled. Evan was now off his partner, laughing his ass off.

Connor, reluctantly, had to use the PVC walker to stand up. Something Evan made clear he would not let him live down. He just couldn't _believe_ a 18 year old man, older than him by six months, was on the ice, falling over himself while holding onto a walker with sparkly duck tape on it. Finally Connor managed to stand, holding onto the walker tightly as he stumbled and shuffled with a child's skate walker. Evan managed to find some sort of secret, skating circles around the rink, maneuvering through children. He stopped at a slow pace next to his partner. Connor had a look of pure disgust at the other, huffing. "You cocky fucker." Connor mumbled, punching his lover in the arm. Evan smiled softly, shrugging. "I mean, if you would just balance yourself you'd be able to do it too." He hummed. Connor gave him a confused look. "Balance.. Evan what in the world are you talking about?" He asked, hands clutching onto the taped together pipes that held him up. Evan had to keep himself from laughing. "Balance. Are you saying you've never heard of balance?" Evan asked. Connor just shook his head. "No, shit head, I'm five years old. Of course I've heard of balance! But what in the world does that have to do with you being cocky?"

Evan shook his head, shrugging. "I know how to skate. So if you want help I'd get a better attitude, mister." He said. Connor laughed, stumbling. He quickly caught his balance. "Alright, mom. Explain to me how to do it." He snapped. Evan put his arms out at his side. Connor huffed loudly. "Oh bullshit, you weren't doing that around the rink." He said quickly. Evan shook his head. "I haven't. You just have to imagine it." He hummed, doing another lap. Connor sat on the ice, dumbfounded. He rolled his eyes, looking up at Evan as he came closer. "Fine, so you figured out how to skate. What next, you gonna jump for me?" He asked. Evan shrugged. "Sure, why not. I'll give it a go." He spoke with a cocky little smile on his face. Connor sat up quickly, pushing himself up quickly, rolling his eyes. "Bullshit! You cannot be so calm about this!" He huffed. "I can jump too, I'll skate circles around you!" Connor protested, growling. Evan put his hands up, shaking his head. "Uh, no. Connor I'm not letting you do that, you'll break something. Most likely a child." Evan mumbled. Connor scoffed. "You're just a asshole today! I'm going to do a jump, I'll do it better than you to! Now go on, do a jump so I can show your ass up!" Connor said quickly.

Evan reluctantly skated to the other side of the rink, skating a few laps before correlating himself. He tensed, taking a deep breath before skating as fast as he could. He launched himself up, spinning with little coordination before hitting the ground hard. He yelled on impact, pieces of ice kicking up as he dragged across the cold floor of the rink. He hadn't landed horribly, simply hardly. He slid till managing to stop himself, just before hitting the barrier. He took a second to catch his breath, his heart racing. He collapsed against the ice, panting heavily. The people at the rink stopped in their tracks, staring at him. He felt his heart rate spike as he felt the eyes on him. His stomach did flips. Evan struggled to his feet, skating slowly back over to his companion. He hugged his lover tightly, Connor reacting rather tensely. "What are you doing." He stated, staring at the other. Evan was shaking, making Connor soften a little. Evan spoke soft, voice stiff. "I'm willing to do whatever you ask to keep you from doing that. Everyone is going to stare at you, _judge_ you." Evan said, hands protectively wrapped around his lover. Connor raised a eye brow, shaking his head. "Evan, I've never met any of these people." Connor reasoned. "Plus, I'm proving my point."

Connor skated off. _Skated._ Evan felt a tad bit of pride, seeing Connor hold out his arms a little, keeping his balance. Evan taught his lover how to skate, something that pleased him immensely. Connor seemed to just be surprised how fast and easy it was. It made him cocky. He skated around the rink, winking at Evan as he went by. Evan's cheeks flushed slowly at how arrogant his partner was. His heart nearly stopped as Connor lined himself up to outshine his jump. Evan wasn't scared of being showed up, not at all. If anything he would've cheered and egged on his lover, but he was completely terrified of watching the smaller boy get hurt. It made his stomach turn. Connor was on a high, confidence soaring. He skated rapidly, moving his feet in the same way Evan had. He kicked off, launching himself in the air. Connor didn't get a spin. Connor didn't even get a confidant "that went better than expected" moment. Connor landed, hard, on his left foot. His ankle gave way quickly. Connor howled in pain, sliding on the ice. He hit the barrier, hard. He hit his shoulder against it first, his collar bone undoubtably getting shoved into the one across from it. The wind was completely slammed out of Connor as he kicked, trying to relieve the pressure off his shoulder as quick as he could. In the process, Connor's ankle audibly snapped. With another loud cry, the smaller boy's eyes filled with tears. Evan couldn't get to the other fast enough, skating as quickly as he could and collapsing at his lover's side. He collected his partner in his arms, slowly helping Connor stand. The smaller boy seemed rather upset, growling uncomfortably. "I can't walk, idiot!" Connor squealed. Evan said nothing, simply scooping his lover up, carrying him bridal style.

Evan took Connor to the front counter of the rink, setting him on it. A foot off the ground, Connor's legs hung. He cursed himself for being built with a larger torso than legs. He cursed under his breath as the weight of the skate pulled on his now overly sensitive ankle. Evan very gently lifted his partner's left leg, face twisted in worry. "I'm so sorry." He mumbled, untying his lover's skate. He got the skate off of him, pressing Connor's foot against his own abdomen. He didn't put much pressure on, holding Connor's calf. "Press as hard as you can." He said softly. Connor did as he was told, pressing till it hurt. It was weak, and when Evan pressed down under Connor's big toe Connor gave a loud yelp. Evan gave a cautious smile, patting his partner's thigh lovingly. "Ok, it's not broken. You did really good love, it's probably just a sprang." He mumbled. Evan got their skates returned and tied his jacket onto Connor's ankle tightly as a makeshift splint. Evan got him into his truck before getting in on the other side. He started the old thing as Connor began to tremble from how cold the car was. It shouldn't of been surprising, it was just sitting outside for at least an hour and a half. And it would stay like that, without a heater. "So, do you need to go to the hospital?" Evan asked.

Connor froze. His eyes went wide. He turned to the other, a big, irritated grin on his face. "Do I need to go to the hospital?" He spat out, a low growl building in his throat. "Did you just ask me if I need to go to the fucking hospital?!" He squeaked, pulling his multiple jackets around himself tighter. "I dunno, Evan, do I?! A possible sprained ankle and you're wondering, oh, maybe my boyfriend needs a doctor!" He spoke harshly. Evan looked at the other, huffing. "Hey, hey. You have to relax. I just thought, maybe like, with your past issues you wouldn't want to go to the hospital-" he spoke, panic in his voice. Connor's jaw nearly hit the floor of the car. "You think because I was shoved into a mental ward a year ago I don't need medical attention for a legitimate injury?!" He asked, a shaky hand running through his hair. Evan huffed. "You _know_ that's not what I meant, Con." He said softly. There was a brief moment of silent as Connor stared at Evan, slowly slumping in his seat. He took a deep breath, sighing. He said nothing on the ride to the hospital. The emergency room was surprisingly sparse, only a few people there. It turned out to be a good thing that the hospital wasn't busy, as Connor and Evan got a small curtain framed room in the ER quickly. With an X-Ray, it was confirmed. Connor had intact sprained his ankle, but broken the foot himself. Evan couldn't help but feel guilty as those words left the doctors mouth. Hairline fracture to the bottom calf, a sprained ankle, and a broken foot. This was obviously laymen's terms. The doctor said Connor would have another appointment in a few days to get a actual cast, as they'd need to put a pin in his foot. Connor gave a stern and horrible look at his partner as the doctor wrapped his lower left leg in padding, a splint, and ace bandages. Evan's mother, a nurse at the same hospital, made her way down to the ER. When Heidi walked in she sighed happily. "Oh thank god!" She said happily. "I thought my baby boy was hurt." She said, rushing to hug her son. Connor, arms already crossed, smiled softly. "Oh, hello Missus Hansen." He hummed happily. Evan smiled awkwardly, nudging his mom. "Um.. mom, this is Connor." He said softly, motioning to the brunette in the bed. Heidi covered her mouth, smiling nervously. "Oh, shit, I'm so sorry hun! I didn't mean to say I didn't care about your leg, I just, well I was worried about Evan and-" she said quickly, Connor laughing. He shook his head. "I get it, miss. He's your kid, you were worried. Oh, and I see where Evan gets that stuttering thing." He hummed.

Heidi's cheeks grew red. She smiled, putting a hand over her chest. "Well.. I didn't know Evan stuttered like.. me.." she mumbled. Connor sat up. "No, no he does. Mumbles like you too. You're both really alike." Connor said softly. Heidi smiled, nodding. "Oh, well that's not surprising, my little Evan used to be a big mamas boy when he was little!" She said happily, hugging her son again. Evan tensed, huffing. "Mom. We are right in front of my best friend, *please* stop." Evan pleaded. Heidi sighed softly, letting go. "M'sorry, really. I just like hearing that my little guy is growing up like his mom!" Heidi hummed. Evan shrugged softly. "Heh.. well, would you mind having dinner with me and Connor tonight? Maybe you could, I dunno.. get to know him." Evan asked. Heidi sighed. "I'm sorry, I can't tonight. Maybe next week honey, but I have a night shift honey. I won't be home till lunch time tomorrow." She said softly. Evan sighed, Heidi frowning. She bit her lip. "I'm really sorry, Evan, seriously, I am!" She insisted. Evan just shook his head. "No, no it's fine. Like, really, honestly. Don't worry about it." He mumbled. She sighed, Connor giving a look of sympathy.

Heidi's pager buzzed and she shook her head, putting a hand on her forehead. "Oh shit. Look, here," she took out her credit card and putting it in her sons hand. "Get what you want, pizza, Chinese food, anything. Connor can even stay the night!" She hummed, kissing Evan's cheek. He smiled happily, hugging her. "Thank you mom. Don't over work yourself, please." He insisted. She smiled warmly, nodding before gently patting Connor's head. She smiled happily. "Take care of my boy tonight for me, please!" She asked, leaving the room quickly. Evan watched her before slumping in his seat, pulling up next to Connor. Connor gave a tired smile at him. "Well... she seems nice." He mumbled. Evan nodded quietly, shrugging. "She does her best, and I love her for it.. I just wish she was around a little more.." he mumbled. Connor shrugged. "I mean, at least se genuinely gives a shit." He remarked. Speaking of Connor's family, he could hear his own mother rushing in as they spoke. She pretty much broke down the door, rushing to hug her son. She had tears in her eyes. "Connor! What on earth happened?!" She choked out. "Larry, he's in here!" She called, a man with salt and pepper hair coming in. Then, Zoe Murphy. She stood at the door frame, crossing her arms. The apparent Larry put a arm around his wife, pulling her back. Cynthia huffed, taking it off of herself before looking at Evan.

"You were with him, right? How'd this happen?" She asked, grabbing Evan's hands. Connor sat up again, shaking his head. "Mom, don't touch him. Please. He doesn't know you, he doesn't like strangers touching him." Connor insisted. Larry slowly made his way to detach his wife's hands from Evan's. Evan wiped his hands on his jeans quickly, biting his lip. He smiled cautiously. "Hi. I'm Evan Hansen, I'm Connor's fr-" He started, Zoe cutting him off. "Boyfriend, he's Connor's _boyfriend._ " she said quickly. Evan's cheeks were burning. Larry shifted uncomfortably, Cynthia's eyes lighting up. She smiled widely. "Boyfriend? Oh goodness, Connor I didn't know you even had friends!" She cooed. Connor smiled passive aggressively. "Gee mom, thanks." He hummed. His mother frowned, tutting at her son. "You _know_ what I meant!" She squeaked. It suddenly dawned on Evan why Connor went quiet when he said the same phrase to him. He gave a small noise of protest. "Connor has plenty of friends! He just doesn't like to bring them around!" He insisted, very blatantly lying. Zoe nodded. "It wouldn't be that big of a surprise, no one wants to bring people they have fun with to mama and papa buzzkill." She remarked. Larry shook his head, giving a chuckle. His wife grunted softly. "Larry! Don't laugh at that!" She said, elbowing him. Connor smiled, covering his mouth. "I dunno mom, that was pretty funny.." he mumbled.

Evan gave a very weird look at this odd family. He wondered if this is what actually happened when parents stayed together. Connor gave a small, tired sigh. His mom tensed noticeably. "Evan, you can go on home, we'll stay with Connor." She said softly. Evan cleared his throat, giving little to no through before speaking. "No! I mean, uh, no. That will not be necessary. Why don't you let me take care of Connor tonight..? My mom is a nurse, I have a lot of the skills I need to ensure he's comfortable." He said, smiling. Cynthia started to say something, Zoe cutting them off. "Yeah, that'll work. Mom, you can help me perfect my solo and... dad can do whatever he does in the basement." She said, smiling. Cynthia shook her head. "No, no, I couldn't force Connor to do something he didn't want to do." She insisted. Connor cleared his throat. "Trust me mom, I'd rather stay with Evan than listen to Zoe's horrible guitar playing all night." He said. Zoe huffed, smiling. "Well my guitar will be much better sounding than whatever vivid, horrible sex your planning with Evan."

Larry cleared his throat. "That's enough, Zoe. We don't.. need to think of that. Claire, er, Connor, are you sure this is what you want?" He asked. Connor shifted uncomfortably, simply nodding. Evan huffed softly at Larry's act of calling Connor by his birth name. Though, he could get it. It would be hard to call someone by something their whole life, then suddenly change that. Connor spoke up, taking Evan's hand in his. "It's what I want, Dad. Don't worry about me, please. It's just a broken foot, I'm not dying." He insisted. Larry nodded. "Alright, then let's go." He mumbled. Cynthia sighed, hugging her son again. She pressed a kiss into her child's cheek. "We love you honey!" She cooed. "More than you think." She said, standing and wiping a tear. Connor rolled his eyes quietly. "Heh mom, as a dying wish, can you tone it down for me?" Connor asked. Larry and Zoe tried their hardest not to laugh, both insisting they were gonna go "warm up the car". Cynthia turned to Evan before leaving, taking his hands again. She smiled widely. "Take care of my boy tonight, please!" She asked, leaving the room slowly. Evan and Connor stared at each other for a moment before starting to laugh. Something about both their parents saying identical things to them was funny. Evan nudged his lover. "Hey, hey, take care of me Con. You have a broken leg and all but I'm hungry." He joked, snorting through his words. Connor was in tears from just how hard he laughed, nodding. "Oh, I'll be sure to do that! Just make sure I don't wonder off! I mean, I'm pretty fast on crutches." He insisted.

Connor was discharged from the hospital and given some pretty strong pain medicine. It was advised he not move around a lot, witch Connor replied with a frank "Well no fucking shit" and high pitched laughter. The drugged up Connor had a mouth on him. He cussed out a doctor on their way out of the hospital, he asked a nurse for a weed brownie. Nothing matched what he pulled in the truck ride home however. Evan pulled up to red light, the traffic being rather bad, witch was rather weird. Connor began to laugh and giggle, shaking. He reached over, hand resting on Evan's thigh. The taller man tensed, looking at his partner. "Oh no, no, _no._ " He mumbled, taking his lover's hand and moving it away. "If anyone is doing anything like that I'll be doing it to you." He insisted. Connor's cheeks flushed at the comment and he immediately drew back. He pressed his face into his jacket. Evan smiled, very cocky looking. "I mean, I let you break your foot.. the least I could do is help you feel better." He insisted, not bothering to look over at Connor, who was squeaking and squirming uncomfortably.  
___

The rest of the car ride was.. less than comfortable for Connor. Evan wouldn't shut his mouth. He kept talking about what he'd do for Connor... things that would ensure Connor's throne in hell if he repeated them. Evan didn't even bother trying to get his partner to walk into the house, simply getting out and lifting him. He carried him in, bridal style, holding him to his chest protectively. Connor hadn't ever been to Evan's house, so he was distracted by the interior. There wasn't much, just some family pictures and clearly homemade woven blankets.. everything smelled like vanilla. Connor took in a deep breath of the air around him, smiling softly. "Do you bake all the time?" He asked eagerly, smiling happily. Evan raised an eyebrow at the question. "What..? That's a weird question." He mumbled. Connor shook his head. "No, no, I'm actually asking. Like my house only smells like this when we make food." He mumbled, sighing. "And with my mom's weird diets we haven't gotten to use vanilla flavoring in a while. It's not like.. gluten free or vegan, I have no clue. Something that keeps us from eating it." He shrugged. Evan shook his head. "Candles, dude. It's not hard to make a place smell like vanilla without using vanilla flavoring." Evan remarked. Connor sighed softly.

"Candles.. yeah." He mumbled. Evan frowned at that comment. "What do you mean by that..?" Evan asked. His lover simply sighed, shaking his head. Evan didn't inquire more about it, at least not at that moment. He focused on getting his lover comfortable. He sat him on the couch, covering him with one of the homemade blankets. He used some pillows to prop up his foot, and made Connor some tea. At first Connor was rather out of it, insisting that his lover didn't need to do all of what he was doing. Evan eventually settled down, gently moving his lover up as he sat behind him. Connor drank his tea quietly, his lover behind him, braiding parts of his hair. Connor glanced back at his partner. "Where did you learn to braid hair?" Connor inquired, humming softly. Evan smiled softly, pressing a kiss into his lover's hair. "My mom, when I was really little, had pretty bad carpal tunnel. She couldn't move her hands to do her hair, she had to save that for work. So I learned how to braid it for her. I can do ponytails, buns, any updo. She let me do anything with her hair, as long as it stayed away from her face." Evan spoke quietly. Connor smiled warmly, leaning back into his partner's kind hands. He took a moment to imagine it... as a young kid Connor couldn't control his anger. If his mother was in the same spot, it was likely Connor would've pulled out her hair. He couldn't really imagine that a kid younger than him, even by a few months would have the coordination at that age. For once, Connor's head was spinning in actual thought. Evan apparently saw, tapping his lover's head. "Hey, you there?" He asked softly. Connor nodded slowly.

"Evan.. have I ever told you why I ended up in the hospital in the first place?" He mumbled. Evan shook his head, putting his hands on his lover's shoulders. "No... I don't expect you too. You don't have to." Evan mumbled. "That was a personal thing, even if I'm.. uh.. your boyfriend, you shouldn't have to tell me that story." Evan insisted. He started to talk again, but Connor cut him off. "The summer before eighth grade, I tried to kill myself." Connor mumbled, making sure his hair was covering his eyes. "I remember it so vividly. I thought it all out, how I'd do it.. how I'd pull it off. I got some of my dads rope, since he used to do projects with me and Zoe in the backyard. It was left over from the tire swing back there. I swung it around the fan, it was over our old coffee table. I stood up on that table, right on the edge. I was so.. tired. It took everything in me to move that thing. As you can remember.. I wasn't a big child. I'm not a big high schooler either.. but that's beside the point. I climbed right on the edge and slipped the noose around my neck. I don't know if you know this, but moving shit with your feet while you're crying and exhausted is really difficult." He said, chuckling solemnly. Evan's eyes were wide and he was shaking, but Connor didn't stop. He insisted to keep talking. "I tried to push that thing with my foot. And when that didn't work, I fell. _Finally_ , I thought. Key word is thought. Turns out, skipping on the scouts meeting were we tied knots was a bad choice. I fell, I slammed my body onto that glass table and it shattered. A shard went right through my arm. When I say through, I mean _through_. I fucking bolted, I have never ran so fast. As my parents woke up I locked myself in the bathroom and cut off all my hair. I took the scissors, and.. I took them to my wrist. To this day I cannot shake the feeling." He mumbled. He suddenly felt tears hit the top of his head. He turned to look at Evan, who was sobbing. His hair covered his face. Before Connor could get a word out, Evan spoke harshly. _"Candles."_ He spat out, "What did you do to yourself with candles." He urged, grabbing his lover's shoulders. "What did you do?!" He screamed.

Connor cowered back in fear, tensing. He shook his head. "I.. I used to burn up my neck and thighs with hot wax. I'd take the wicks and put it in clumps of wax, light them and let them burn on my skin. Sometimes patches would light on fire, turn black... I just let them." He mumbled. Evan reeled back, feeling sick at that information. "How could you do that to yourself?!" Evan asked, shaking. Connor shook his head, eyes wide. "Don't fucking start with me, Evan. Don't act like you haven't seen the scars, or.. the fresh ones." He spat. "You don't care, you would've said something if you did." He mumbled. Evan huffed, laughing. "Are you fucking kidding me?! I don't care?! Would I have taken you to the hospital today if I didn't care? Do you know how much it tore my heart out to hear your dad call you that? By that.. dead name. I wanted to.. I wanted to hit him, Connor." Evan said, panicked. He started to hyperventilate. "I said almost verbatim what your mother said. Your eyes looked.. they looked dead. When she spat those words at you.." he mumbled. Connor put his hands on Evan's chest, shaking his head. "Evan. Evan, in, out, in, out." He insisted. His partner followed the words, breathing heavily. They sat in silence for a long time, holding onto one another. Evan clung to his partner, hands tangled in his hair. Connor's hands wrapped around his lover's waist. Slowly, Evan pulled back after a few minutes.

He leaned back down, pressing his lips against Connor's. The smaller man leaned into the affection, but was quick to pull back quietly. "I.. I'm sorry." He mumbled. Evan shook his head. "Me too.. I.. I reacted horribly." He reassured. Connor shrugged. "I'll stop. I'll stop for y-" he started, Evan quickly stopping him. "No. You won't stop for me. You stop for yourself. You.. you can't pin what your future is on me. Though, trust me.. I'd love to be apart of it, but when it comes to hurting yourself.. I can't risk something going wrong and just because I'm gone you start to.. do that to yourself again." He mumbled. Connor gave a soft nod at his lover's words. As cheesy and overly therapist sounding it was, he knew Evan was right. The same thing was told to him in therapy over and over. He wondered still.. why, if not for others, should he get better? He hated himself, in every sense of the word. He found himself repeating the thought out loud. "How can I get better for myself if I hate who I am?" He asked. Evan sighed at the words. "Change. It.. it's not hard, if you think of what you do. You can get better, I believe in that. I can help you. I can help you feel beautiful." Evan mumbled. Connor smiled cautiously. "As lovely as that sounds, I don't know how you'll do that." He mumbled. "I'll never be beautiful."

Evan shrugged. "I can help you feel like you can be. Connor.. lay back. Let me show you how loved and wanted you are. Please." Evan said, getting up from behind his lover. He hoisted him up, carrying him up to his bedroom. He set Connor up similarly on the bed, propping up his leg with pillows and having him sitting up with more of them behind his back. He slowly climbed over Connor, leaning down to press kisses into his lover's jaw. He slowly lead those gentle pecks down his neck, nipping and kissing at the other's skin. Connor's cheeks flushed slowly, and he leaned his head to the other side for his lover. Evan dragged his teeth over sensitive points, smirking softly as he watched some of the other nips bruising. Not to mention, the boy's pale skin was already marked up from another make out session they had had a few days ago. Evan felt a bit of pride at the markings. "It feel good?" Evan asked cautiously. Connor nodded, smiling tiredly. "Yeah.. really good.. I.. uh.." he mumbled, cheeks burning a deep red. Evan shook his head, biting down roughly on the area were his partner's jaw ended and his neck began. Connor's body tensed and he gave a rather loud, whine like moan. He trembled and shivered, Evan moving accordingly. He slowly let his teeth part, licking over the area as his hands trailed down, tugging at his partner's pants. Connor lifted up his hips to allow his lover to pull them down.

Evan moved down, getting Connor's pants at his knees and not even bothering to go forward. Evan gave a small gasp at the wet patch on Connor's boxers. He smiled softly. "Oh, wow... you must be really worked up..." Evan cooed, pulling himself to the end of the bed to comfortably rest his head between Connor's legs. He kissed his thighs as he worked the boxers off of Connor's legs. Any marks that the fabric covered, Evan kissed. He pressed gentle, soft kisses into the scars and more fresh wounds on his partner's thighs. Connor drew in a sharp breath, shaking. He turned into a absolute mess with Evan's attention. Especially like this. It was so.. vivid. Connor felt loved, he felt protected. Evan was incredibly gentle, slowly kissing upward. He used a finger to slowly rub against his lover's clitoris, earring a rather loud moan, followed by Connor arching his back. Evan smiled, finding this very endearing. He used his fingers to play with the sensitive skin in Connor's nether region, all the while the brunette struggling to keep himself silent. It sent Connor over the edge when he felt something warm between his thighs. He felt stubble graze his own sensitive skin and suddenly, the same warm feeling spread through him. He felt like he was on fire, glancing down to see what made him feel like this. He saw Evan's face pressed between his thighs, and it dawned on Connor what he was felling.

Connor was feeling Evan's _tongue_ inside of him.

A shiver ran through Connor's body as Evan fucked him with his tongue. He reached down, a hand tangling into his partner's hair. Slowly, Evan moved his head. He snuck in his hand, using saliva as a sort of lubricant to push a finger into his lover. He focused his tongue on Connor's clit, something that was driving his lover absolutely *crazy.* Connor's own clitoris was enlarged thanks to testosterone, enough for him to start thinking about Evan sucking it- and yep, he didn't even have to ask. Connor was hyper sensitive at this point, back arching once again as he squirmed. "Eh.. E-Ev.. Evan.." he moaned out, giving his lover's hair a small tug. Evan glanced up, making eye contact with the other. "Connor, I want you to give me a color. Red, green, or yellow. Green means good, yellow means slow down, red means stop." Evan said softly. Connor breathed out heavily. "G.. green." He mumbled. Evan gave a soft smile as he winked, like the cocky little shit he was today. Connor melted at that look. He gasped as Evan added in a second finger, steadily moving them in and out. Connor could hardly stay still, moaning through his breath. He bit his lip, pulling Evan up. "A.. as lovely as this feels, if you don't fuck me right now I might loose my mind." Connor said, breathlessly. His voice was shaky, pathetic. Evan gave a small laugh. "That desperate..? Really? What are you Connor, some kind of slut, just for me?" He asked. The look on Connor's face was priceless, making Evan draw in a sharp breath. "Hold on... Connor, do you have a thing for being called a slut?" Evan asked. Connor averted his eyes, nodding. Evan giggled, sitting up. He took his fingers away, tugging off his own pants quickly.

Connor was incredibly embarrassed, but that all melted away when Evan lined himself up between Connor's legs. He centered himself, hoisting his lover's thighs up around his hips. Evan stopped, hesitating. Connor seemed to have read his partner's mind, shaking his head. "D.. don't worry. One time without it can't hurt." He mumbled, eagerly wiggling his hips. Evan may have gotten a little to excited, shoving into Connor without warning. "Yellow, yellow!!" Connor shouted, stiff as a board. Evan froze in place, fear in his eyes. "Oh shit. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.." he mumbled. Connor smiled tiredly, shaking his head. "Don't worry. Just, please. If you want to go rough warn me next time." Connor whispered, winking at his lover. Evan gave a look of disbelief before opening his mouth, getting a nod from his partner before he even said anything. Once he had the go ahead, Evan forced himself into Connor to his hilt, a large smile on his face. Connor looked up, eyes full of love as he kissed his partner. Evan began to move quickly, hips going in a steady pattern of in and out. Evan was on the top of the world in this moment, and Connor was far off into a trance. He quite literally moaned with every breath, shaking like a leaf. Evan brought his lover back to reality with little to no effort, simply biting at his lover's pressure point. Connor moaned loudly, tensing up again. Evan gave a cocky grin. "Jesus baby, keep moaning like that and I won't last long. But you probably want that, huh, slut?" Evan cooed. Connor confirmed how much he actually wanted it with a loud moan, tensing his muscles around his friend. Evan let out a groan. Evan barely moved for another few minutes before gasping and kissing his lover. He pulled away slowly, about to talk before getting a howl like moan from his partner, who came heavily. Connor suddenly dropped off, rather significantly to add on. Evan's vision was clouded as he reached his climax, his body seizing up. He barely recovered before realizing that Connor was sobbing. He stopped, tense and scared. He quickly pulled out of Connor. "Hey, hey, what's wrong? C.. Connor?" He asked softly. Connor shook his head softly. "I.. uh.. it's stupid.." he mumbled.

Evan hook his head. "No, why are you crying. Please tell me, Connor." He begged. Connor laughed quietly, wiping his tears. "I.. I just really _love_ you, ok. I really do." Connor mumbled, "Seriously, Evan... I love you so fucking much." He finished. Evan's cheeks flushed. He was silent for a second before tears fell from his own eyes. Connor's fear spiked. "Oh god. Too much? L.. look, I know we haven't like, been together a year, it's _barely_ been six months, but I honestly feel this way-" Connor started. Evan cut him off with a kiss. The two were soon clashing their lips together messily. Evan was shaking horribly, holding onto his lover's hips. "I love you too." Evan mumbled, sniffling. Connor smiled softly, once again pressing their lips together. That innocent kiss turned into an open mouth one, that was very messy and and rushed. They spent the entire night tangled into each others arms, only bothering to put boxers back on. The rest of their clothes were scattered around the room, something Evan had decided would only be a problem if they didn't wake up soon enough. To make sure that wouldn't happen, Evan set the alarm for nine thirty. As soon as he did, Connor grabbed him by the wrist. "Turn that shit to eleven before I break this arm, Evan." Connor mumbled, giving a loving smile. Evan kissed his partner's head, cuddling up to him.

Evan didn't change the alarm, and found out how easy it was to get away from a kid with a broken foot. Connor found out it was rather hard to hit a moving target with a book, but eventually he hit Evan with a copy of Moby Dick, straight to the dick.


End file.
